Waking Up
by beccahursh
Summary: "Even in this perilous time, Todd is peaceful. I know there will be lots of pain to come, but for now, when he's asleep, he's not conscious for the pain. But he's coming back. As sure as I know that the sun will rise tomorrow morning, Todd will wake up again." Post MoM. Todd/Viola with a twist.
1. Chapter 1

{ VIOLA }

"Viola."

The second I open my eyes a blur of questions shoot through my head: _Where's Todd? Is he okay? Is he awake? Todd, oh Todd — _and the world comes rushing back to me in a grieving ball of heartache and dim pre-dawn colors. Todd's not awake; he's still lying on the cot at my side. It's Ben who woke me up, his vocal chords still scratchy from their disuse. He smiles sadly at me. _No change? _he asks. Or at least, I hear him. I'm still getting used to Ben's unique Noise. I groan and shake my head.

"Nothing. Not yet."

_Todd is strong._

"I know."

We've said those words to each other many times over the past… weeks? Months? The days have blurred together in my head.

_You are strong too, Viola._

Ben's hand is on my shoulder with a tenderness I did not expect. His face is weary, lines in his skin deepened with all he has seen. I wonder what it must be like, watching Todd through Ben's eyes. The new Sky called Todd Ben's "one in particular." Or at least, I think I heard that. There is a certain amount of emotion behind those three words that is hard to place: grief? Joy? Devotion? Maybe a mixture of all those and more. Either way, I don't doubt that Ben is stronger than I'll ever be.

"Thank you."

He smiles at me. _You've been here so long. You need to rest._

I look back over at Todd. His wounds have shown improvement, in the Land's circle of healing, but he still lies silent. Noise sometimes comes, in short bursts, never longer than a few words. No steady thought. I remember when Todd was under the Mayor's influence, when he chanted that stupid mantra and controlled men with his mind and I couldn't hear my Todd. And I thought that was painful. Now, waiting for those few snippets of Noise each day is agonizing. And I read to Todd every day. The pages of his mother's journal are well worn around the corners; the leather cover supple and creased. I think I've memorized parts of it.

"Ben, I–"

_When was the last time you ate, Viola?_

"I don't remember, but–"

_Go, Viola. _

Ben helps – pulls – me out of my chair, taking the journal, and ushers me out of the circle.

My pain comes to me slowly. Now that I've stood up, my head reels and my vision dances with spots as the blood begins to circulate. Dulled cramping of my calves and feet becomes fierce as I hobble, and my joints protest with loud pops as I straighten myself out. How long has it been since I stood up last? Or since I had a drink of water? Hunger gnaws at my stomach and my throat clenches in an attempt to swallow. I decide to visit the separate tent that the Spackle set up for Ben and me while we were supposed to be staying here. There aren't many people or Spackle around at this early hour, the sun is just now rising. Even though the snow has melted, a cold wind swirls around the winter-hardened forest. I zip up my coat – an old one of Todd's, compliments of Ben. The wind stirs his smell – growing fainter by the day – from the fabric: sheep, hay, dirt, and Manchee. I don't know if my heart could ache any more, but it finds a new hurt for Manchee.

I walk through the clearing that's left of the Land's camp. Most of the Spackle have left, scattered in groups to help heal the land. Further peace talks continue on this hill, in a large tent to my right. Ben, Wilf, and Bradley have been meeting regularly to discuss plans with the spackle. So far the main efforts have been clearing the waste products of war away and making shelters for what's left of the townspeople. It will be a long recovery, but there is a sense of optimism in the air. Perhaps that's because the only people I talk to anymore are Wilf and Ben.

As I walk toward the designated eating tent, the strange mixture of Spackle and man Noise rises from a low grumble to a murmur to a happy bubbling. It's easy to differentiate between: the men's Noise is more visual, with colors and letters popping up in the corner of your eye along with the sounds in your ears. The Spackle's voices are like hormones, moving through your bloodstream in a uniform message. It's changed from tense to more calm now, and the men's Noises bring up fewer images of the war and bombs now. There's even a bit of lightness, of hope.

Since Wilf is up in the meetings most of the time, his wife has taken up cooking duties. She cooks stews and porridge and other staples in huge quantities, stores them, and reheats them. Finding a balance for both human and Spackle tastes took a week or so, but all the inhabitants of the hilltop camp are appreciative. The eating tent is warm with the heat of her fire, even this early in the morning. The cold ache that has taken refuge in my bones starts to thaw.

"Viola!"

Jane rushes over to me and envelops me in a warm embrace. I sag a little against her, smiling. "Hi, Jane."

She holds me out at arm's reach and shakes her head. "Viola it don't do yoo no good to be out 'ere in this dang cold. Yer gonna catch yer death!"

I smile again. "Good to see you too, Jane."

Jane busies herself getting me a bowl of stew to eat – "If yer gonna eat yer gonna eat a hearty meal!" – and I sit by the fire in a nest of blankets. My stomach rumbles as she slides the warm bowl into my hands. "Thank you," I manage, the words sticking in my throat. Jane sets a mug of water near me and it's all I can do not to gulp in down. She watches me carefully as I ladle steamy chunks of meat and vegetables into my mouth.

It's a quiet companionship we have, Jane and I. I eat, she sits with me. We never talk much.

"Been two days since I saw yoo last, Viola."

Has it? It feels like years. I nod wearily.

"Anything new with Todd?"

She already knows the answer, but she asks anyway. Small talk. Or really, rather large talk, since it's why I haven't moved or eaten for two days. I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak.

"He'll come around. He's a tough one, young Todd."

Her hand comes down on my head and ruffles my hair before she moves away to check on the food. My belly swells with the stew in it, and the fire is flickering so warm, and the blankets smell like wool and leaves and…

{ TODD }

_Viola…_

_Ben…_

_Cillan…_

_Manchee?_

_Fire…_

_Here I come… where am I goin'…_

_Oh Viola…_

_Who's Viola..?_

_I am the circle… No…_

_Why am I cryin?_

_Oh there's blood everywhere and fire and-_

_Viola Viola Viola…_

_There's a knife –_

_Oh never leave me, never leave me, never…_

_Viola…_


	2. Chapter 2

{ VIOLA }

I find myself back on my cot in the Pathway's End. Even before I open my eyes I know it's late in the day. I can hear more Noise, feel the Land awake. I can even hear someone saying my name…

It's Todd.

I sit up quickly, too quickly, and I'm dizzy and out of breath but I can hear his noise and he's saying my name – _Todd Todd Todd you can't hear me please wake up, I'll do anything, just -_

And then it passes.

Silence.

And I steel myself and bite my lip and shut my eyes and I don't cry I don't cry _I'm not crying _but I am and I miss him, Todd, _Todd, my Todd_…

That's how living like this is: holding his hand, feeling his slow pulse on his wrist, watching his wounds slowly, slowly heal, reading and crying and sleeping for a day and eating with Jane and staying awake for those moments when I can hear him.

It's not living at all. Not while he's not.

Because Todd isn't dead, but he's not alive either. His Noise is buried deep within the pink-scarred skin on his body and only pushes through to be heard briefly and then collapses with effort. And he's not making progress and I'm _effing crying again _oh Todd, come back, come back –

I scoot my cot back to Todd's and lay down, my hand reaching over for his. And in my shaking, pitchy voice, I murmur his mother's song to him. I can hear his rattling breaths move in and out and of his lungs and I will him to heal and I feel the Land reaching out to me in a tentative gesture that I've become accustomed to in this circle - _The Knife still sleeps, and we ache for his healing, healing, healing…_

{ TODD }

_Sheep, Todd!_

_Sheep!_

_1017 is there –_

_The beach is so cold…_

_My head hurts, Ben…_

_The Sky?_

_Run run run BOOM Viola Manchee Spackle fire Lee Angharrad _

_Simone, no!_

_Farbranch burns because… _

_Aaron and the knife the knife the spackle_

_RUN VIOLA_

_Pain pain pain oh it hurts my back_

_Todd? Ready Todd?_

_I'm sorry Manchee, I'm sorry_

_Here I come here I come here I am, find me…_

_I want to go home, Viola. _


	3. Chapter 3

{ VIOLA }

Another agonizing week passes. I am informed that from the day of the Mayor's death to now has been four weeks. It feels more like four years.

Todd has been making steady progress, however slowly. His Noise comes in longer phrases, sometimes in flashbacks, images of Old Prentisstown, Cillan, and Manchee. Ben convinces me to sleep and brings me food more regularly. My ankles, thanks to good splints and spending so much time in the Pathway's End, have healed almost completely. The Land hums with thoughts of the cold winter ending and spring coming to the planet.

It's an unusually warm, sunny morning when Ben comes to ask me to the next council meeting.

"No."

_Viola –_

"I can't leave him."

_This isn't –_

"Ben, I can't go. Just like I couldn't go to the ceremony for when the convoy first arrived. I just can't."

_They need to see you._

"Who?"

_The new settlers. Bradley has done well at directing them and explaining the recent events, but they want to see you. And they want to hear more about Todd. Besides, the Spackle have new medicine for Todd and you need to leave them to do their work._

I stare down at Todd's hand in mine and wonder what he would think. Knowing him, he would tell me to go to the meeting, to stop worrying about him. My Todd, so selfless. Now that I think about it, it's selfish of me to stay here. I haven't even gone to see the caretaker families who I lived with my entire life until just before my thirteenth birthday. I owe it to them. I owe it to myself most of all.

I sigh and pick up a small mirror that was in my tent. My hair is stringy and tangled, my skin grimy. I am in no shape or form presentable.

"Can I at least take a bath first?"

Jane boils some water from the river and I scrub myself clean. Jane takes my dirty clothes to wash and I change into a fresh pair of denim pants and a button up shirt. I keep Todd's coat.

Ben meets me outside the large tent where the meeting is to be held. He smiles at me. _Thank you, Viola_, he says. I smile tentatively back. Nervousness bubbles in my stomach. The last time I talked with anyone besides Ben or Jane was when the Sky shot Todd and I almost shot him back. Needless to say, I am not sure how well my social skills have survived my isolation with Todd.

Ben opens the flap and I walk inside. Surrounding a large fire are eight mats for sitting on. Conversation ceases as six pairs of eyes turn to face me. Three Spackle – 1017 and what must be two of his lieutenants, Bradley, and two others from the convoy. I don't even remember their names, but they obviously know me. Their mouths open and close like fish as they see me for the first time in almost a year and a half. I am taller, my hair is longer and brighter from exposure to real sun, and I've filled out some from the twiggy twelve year old they last saw. I smile uncomfortably and sit down next to Bradley, across from 1017, the Sky. Fire burns in my throat at his presence, and I can't look at him. There is too much history between us and too short and pained a time since the war for reconciliation. I hear him shift away from me.

The meeting starts with Bradley and Ben reporting on statistics of food stores and how many people are working on rebuilding New Haven – the name change is news to me.

"The combination of winter and war has hit us hard. Thanks to the help of the Spackle, we have been able to stabilize the food rations to two meal cards per person. It's been difficult convincing the new settlers that this planet is worth their long trip. The Noise is starting to catch up to them." Bradley's own Noise is riddled with images of men and women panicking as the Noise infects the newcomers. He shakes his head.

Ben changes the subject. _Messengers have been sent to the following cities to prepare them for new settlers: Farbranch, Theatro, Gildmore, and Burtwick. They are the largest cities besides New Haven, although I suppose many of the new settlers will be forming their own colonies. _

_About those colonists – will they be informed of the Spackle and our territories? _the Sky asks. I shiver involuntarily at his voice – even though he seems relaxed, I can't tell if the edge in his words is in my head.

I lose track of the meeting after that, drifting in and out of memories of the past year and worrying about Todd. The smoke of the fire drifts up through a hole in the tent's roof and I watch it disperse. I hear the people from the convoy talking about the concerns of the new settlers – food and transportation and Noise management and all that. Frankly I can't be bothered by it. I feel eyes on me and look up. 1017 is staring at my wrist, where the band was. The infection has healed and a pink jagged scar has replaced the white bandages and medicine. He looks away pointedly.

The sun rises higher in the sky and I almost fall asleep against Ben when the talk turns to me. "Viola, it's so good to see you. I understand you've had a bit of a rough time here on New World," the woman from the convoy says.

"Oh, yeah," I say, pulling myself back into the present. "You could say that again."

"But really, you are looking well now. Tell us about how Todd Hewitt is."

Todd? Why do they want to talk about Todd?

I swear the Noise germ must have begun to affect women, because Bradley nudges me with his elbow and says, "Todd is now… somewhat of a legend in New Haven. A war hero."

Todd? A war hero?

My Todd?

"Oh."

Todd was in a war and he gave his all for what he believed to be a just cause, but a hero? My heart aches for him as I think of his reaction to all this when he wakes up.

They stare at me for a moment before I realize I've been staring off into space. "Oh, yes, Todd is doing better. His breathing and pulse have both become more stabilized. In fact, he should be receiving new medicine from the Land as we speak…"

{ TODD }

_I can hear somethin' Viola. A song._

_It's faint…_

_No words to it either._

_But it's beautiful_

_And I think it's hope, Viola_

_I like to think if hope could have a sound it'd sound like this_

_All light and airy and pretty and yet strong and yet it ain't slowin' down and it's strong and pure like sunlight._

_I like this song, Viola._

_I think you'll like it too._

{ VIOLA }

"…and there's no way to know how much longer it'll take for him to be well again, but I plan to stay with him until he comes back."

Ben smiles. _Viola has been taking care of Todd with the greatest of care. He is in safe hands between her and the Spackle's healing that cured me. _

Bradley puts a hand on my shoulder. "We're all very proud of Todd and Viola for their incredible determination," he says, smiling. In that smile, however, is pain. No matter how strong or brave or determined Todd and I have been, much damage has been done to this planet and the people on it. It will take more than courage to put it back together.

The meeting wraps up fairly quickly after that. There is a somberness about the group. Although things have gotten better, they are far from over, and the harshest scars will be carried by the most pure.

I brush past the Sky on my way out, and I think he tries to say something, but I cut him off. "No," I say. "Don't you go near him." Bitterness and rage churn my blood into a boil and I clench my hands into fists. There is a flicker of pain evident on his face, and the Land sighs with displeasure at our discord, but I cannot forgive him. Not yet.

When I return to Todd's bedside, there is a strange hum about the air. I've grown used to the sound of the Land from my time in the Pathway's End, but this is much stronger. It's more insistent, but also more sweet and joyful. _Come,_ it says, _wake. You're missing out on something great! _Of course, there aren't any words to it, but I think that's what the message is.

Yes, come Todd.


	4. Chapter 4

For the next few days, I decide to forgo his mother's journal today and just talk to him. I tell him about what's going on outside the tent, the names of new towns, and all the statistics I can remember from the meeting. That hopeful hum stays around and I can feel Todd responding, really _feel _it. It's an odd sensation. I think it's like Todd's been buried in a pit of sand and he's slowly climbing to the top. Every once and a while he'll shout and I'll hear it, and as he keeps climbing it gets louder.

"Todd, everyone thinks you're something great out there. You're a symbol to them, some sort of hero. Funny isn't it?" I push his hair, singed and shaggy, from his forehead. Images of the war – fire, bombs, blood, terror, floods – and Todd in the midst of it all – make my stomach turn over with sickly grief. "You hated it when the Mayor said you could be a great leader. You were afraid that you'd turn out like him." I sigh, the memories of the Mayor too coming back in cruel flashes. "I was too, Todd. He was hard to figure out, that guy. Just when you thought he was insane he'd do some crazy nice thing. Or the opposite. And the way he tried to help you, and oh the way he taught you to use your Noise to control people. You were so torn up about that, Todd. And it hurts to remember that. You changed so much, and so did I. And that's what war does, huh? Change people. But you're still my Todd, and I still want you back, even if you'll talk with that weird Land-Noise. I…" I have to stop talking for a minute to collect my thoughts. _Todd is going to wake up. Todd is going to wake up. _

"What are we gonna do when you wake up, hm? Go off with the settlers to some faraway place and make a home for ourselves?" I smile at the thought. "Where trouble couldn't find us even if it had a hundred men out searching for us. Doesn't that sound nice?" Todd and I. Safe. Comfortable. Happy. I hope when he wakes up, he'll want it as much as I do.

There's no change from when I first walked in. The hum around us is positive and yearning, but just the same as before. I sigh and sit back on my cot, watching Todd sleep. Even in this perilous time, he is peaceful. His life no longer hangs in the balance, only his memories. I know there will be lots of pain to come, and for now, when he's asleep, he's not conscious for the pain. But he's coming. As sure as I know that the sun will rise tomorrow morning, Todd will wake up again.

The next time I wake up there are four Spackle in the tent. I jerk awake at the combination of their sudden presence and the powerful sensation in the air – it's the Land. It's humming powerfully around me, I can feel it like the pressure of the deep bass engines of the ships I traveled here on. But it's fierce and alive, crackling so much that I think there's an electric charge carried through the water molecules of the atmosphere. The Spackle are standing around Todd, heads bowed in concentration. They seem to be channeling this aura from the Land to Todd. The room spins as I stand up. Whatever they're trying, it's strong and I need to get out.

Outside is another story. Ominous grey clouds hang over the forest, rumbling with their own electricity. A storm is brewing to prepare the frozen ground for spring. It's hard to imagine warmth when the cold wind is slipping through the collar of my shirt. Pulling Todd's coat around me, I head for the meal tent.

Bradley and Ben are there, eating bowls of stew. They look up when I come in and their lips form smiles. It's hard to tell if their eyes do.

"Good afternoon," Bradley says, handing me a bowl. It's the same stew we've had for the past four weeks, but I don't complain. We're lucky to still be alive.

"What's going on with Todd?"

I know they know something by the way they look away from me.

"Viola-"

"Tell me."

A glance passes between them and Ben sighs. _The Land is harnessing all of its power to bring Todd back._

I sit down. "I thought they were already doing that."

Ben grimaces. _They're trying harder now._

I can't touch my stew. Something is wrong. I can feel it in the thickness of the air between us.

"Why the sudden push? How long did it take for you to wake up?"

_It's taking longer for Todd. His wounds are deep and widespread. My wound was in only in one concentrated spot. Stab wounds are like that. _He winces.

"But what are they so concerned about?"

Bradley sets his bowl down too. His worry is etched deep into his face, eyes heavy and shoulders slumped. I realize how much being an advocate for peace has troubled him. The pain that he feels is written all over his Noise, in sad grey flashes of Simone and the ship and the missiles. But the next few words seem to make him weaker than before.

"It's not them, Viola. It's us. We asked them to increase the concentration of the, uh, dosage, shall we say."

I feel my face contorting into a frown, my forehead tight. _Something's wrong with Todd. _My heart races uncomfortably in my chest.

"Why?"

Bradley squirms and Ben looks away.

"Bradley, why?" I ask, my voice rising in volume as anxiety takes control of my brain. They are silent, and the anxiety turns to anger. "Tell me, Bradley, there's no reason to keep anything-"

"Because we need him alive."

Thunder booms closer than before. The storm outside is moving closer.

My tensed muscles go slack with confusion. "Well of course we need him alive," I say. "It's all I've wanted for the past six weeks-"

_Not for your sake, Viola. _

"Then for who's?"

Bradley shifts closer to me. "Viola… The new settlers are beginning to question… to question whether or not Todd really exists."

I freeze. When Ben sees I have no verbal reaction, he continues for Bradley.

_Think about it Viola: there are stories of this boy, this incredible boy, who did impossible things in this terrible war. But there is no evidence of him. Everyone says he's in a coma, asleep, healing, but there's no proof. Some of the new settlers are questioning our authority because… because they feel they cannot trust us._

My throat has swollen up in such a way that eating seems impossible.

"So you've pressed the Spackle to heal Todd quicker so that you don't get a new war on your hands."

Bradley's shoulders slump down and I can see the defeat in his eyes. "We just want peace, Viola –"

"Oh right, I forgot. Peace! Should we go back to calling you the Humanitarian?" It's a low blow and I know it, but frankly I am too upset that Todd has become a pawn to be played in the future of this planet than anything else.

_We both feel badly. The Land have their ways, and they were hesitant to start this new treatment. _Ben's Adam's apple bobs before he clears his throat. "I'm sorry," he whispers, and he stands up to leave.

Things have become increasingly difficult around here, with the new settlers. The battles we lay behind have been traded in for new ones. And as I slowly begin to remember my appetite, I wonder if life's battles ever end.


	5. Chapter 5

{ TODD }

Something hurts.

I think it's my head. Maybe my feet.

Or maybe every fiber of my nerves are just in flames.

Burnin' –

Like Farbranch –

What's Farbranch?

Something's pulling at me. Hard.

I think I can hear words…

No, not words -

A kind of Noise –

Tellin' me to get up Todd Hewitt, the Land needs you, get up get up…

But it's so strong, Viola.

They're pullin' at my thoughts, and it hurts.

I'm already not in too good shape, see,

But this is new and they're doin' somethin' different and I don't know what –

Just flames all through my head as they reach in and –

Somethin's wrong, Viola,

I can hardly see your face,

I was just starting to see you –

Where are you goin'?

Ben… and Manchee… they're goin' with ya…

I don't understand –

We –

We're family –

Oh my head, it hurts,

Make it stop, Vi…

{ VIOLA }

Whatever the Land has tried, it's working. Day by day, new Noise comes from Todd. There aren't many words or thoughts, but it's changed from a sluggish darkness to a brighter yellow. Hope. That song still weaves its way in the crackling buzz that's reviving my Todd.

Ben visits more often and I see him conferring with the Land. I can feel a sort of tug-of-war in the Heart of the Land. That's what I've decided to call that unique Noise the Land has, that Todd will have when he wakes up. It makes sense. The Spackle, the animals, the earth, all joined together in one voice or emotion. The Heart. Underneath it all is an anxiousness to get Todd up again, so that no more war is waged on the soil of New World.

And just when I least expect it,

When my new-found hope is dwindling,

In what I know best day of my life,

he wakes up.

I've just gone out to get breakfast from Jane. The food's slowly getting better as the snow melts and the plants begin to sprout. Little mushrooms pop into the soup (harmless, Jane assures me), a sprig of an herb here or there. Today there's some kind of berry in the porridge. Jane and I talk about the same things we always do – the food, plans for spring, and Todd.

"He doin' all righ' that boy?"

"He's coming awake."

Jane's brow furrows, wrinkles of her old skin carving deeper. "How d'ya know?"

My fingers tap dance on my bowl. "I can feel it, Jane. The Land's Noise is buzzing and I just know, Todd's coming."

Jane smiles. "I sure hope so, dear. I sure hope so."

It's an eerie feeling I get from the alertness of the Heart. I'm not sure what it means, but if it means Todd back, I'll take it.

I've decided to go for a walk through the woods, at Ben's suggestion. It's one thing to hear about how the planet is waking up after hibernation, but another to see it. Birds' Noise floats down to me in nervous twitters. Sleepy rodents mutter about their hidden nuts and even the bugs have Noise. And they all whisper as they march around the slowly warming ground, coaxed out by the sun and the rain. The trees are budding in little marbles of green and the clouds thin out to reveal a brilliant blue sky. The sun is warm on my face and I am content.

The pleasant countryside, away from all the destruction, is comforting. Even though there are scarred places on the road, there is life that exists elsewhere. Things are coming alive and telling the earth all about it in their Noise. And I marvel at the beauty of the Noise. When it's not used badly, the Noise does just what it's supposed to: bend and flow and harmonize with tens of thousands of voices. And I wonder what Todd's voice will sound like in it all.

I don't have to wait long.

There's a sudden impact on the Heart, it seems. A great _BOOM _of breakthrough; like a frozen river bursting its icy restrains, a pinprick through a dam that restrained the barrage of sound behind it.

And I know.

And the Heart knows.

And the Land is singing:

_He's awake._

Todd and I have done our fair share of running, I admit. But I don't think I've ever run so fast. I cover a mile in minutes, sprinting through the undergrowth, tripping in my haste to _get back get back He's alive oh Todd-_

If women had Noise, everyone for a hundred mile radius would hear me.

Pink flashes of his face and his Noise and his messy hair and oh, Todd, his hurting eyes and his motionless body – all replaced by him, _him, _awake and smiling and holding me and –

The Heart is buzzing and dancing and singing

_He's awake, the Knife awakes, the One awakes –_

I don't catch the last few words before my own tears of joy flood my vision.

And I'm sprinting in to camp-

My lungs are on fire –

I can't breathe –

I see Ben and some Spackle –

They let me in first –

He's going to see me and say _Viola, Viola –_

And I'll say _Todd –_

And he will be mine –

And now I'm in the tent –

His eyes are still closed –

But his hand is moving –

I take it –

I can't breathe through the tears that wrack through my chest –

And I say –

"Todd?"

And my heart stops as he opens his eyes –

And the Heart is singing for joy –

And I think I'm going to combust into a million pieces –

His eyes are perfect –

And then –

And then he opens his mouth and says –

In a voice so quiet I barely catch it –

_He's awake my Todd is here – _

"Who are you?"


	6. Chapter 6

{ VIOLA }

I think my stomach has been set on fire. Or maybe frozen. Maybe both. Because Todd, my Todd, he's awake, but he doesn't see…

I take his hand in both of mine. "Todd, Todd, it's me," I say, and my voice wavers and cracks and there are no stopping the tears on my face now. "It's me, Viola."

He groans and closes his eyes. I can sense his presence in the Heart, his aching, pink consciousness pitching about in the emotional chasm that he is now a part of. His questions roll around in my head: _Viola? Who's Viola? Where am I? _

Ben's hand comes down on my shoulder and I shudder.

_Todd –_

Ben's crying too. He's shaking, and I can feel the Heart churning in grief for me, and joy for Todd's return. And my vision is blurring and I think I'm shaking, every fiber of my being screaming _this is wrong, not my Todd –_

And then he says

_Ben?_

And Ben's not even looking at me when he touches Todd's face

When his tears fall on Todd's hair –

When Todd says _Who is she? Ben, what's going on? I can feel so many voices…_

And I can't take it –

So I fold myself into my cot, still holding his fingertips, and listen.

Todd doesn't say much. It's mostly Ben channeling all of his emotions, like regular Noise, and all of the pain and suffering of the past year, to show Todd, to remind him –

But Todd's eyes are closing.

I can feel his strength draining –

He's still so weak –

His hand drops from my grasp

Because I've let go

Because it hurts too much to hold on.

{ TODD }

It's warm.

That's the first thing I recognized when I came to.

That's what my mind goes to when I wake up the second time. 'Cuz it was cold when I last remember. Icy cold. So cold it could suck the life outta you. I think someone did get that life knocked out of him. I think I might have helped.

Everything's fuzzy and grey. I can see lots of things, but it's like they've been hidin' behind a smoke screen and I can't quite see through – I can see bodies, but no faces. I can hear screams, but not the people who're utterin' 'em. I feel thoughts and emotions and jumbles of words in my head, but they're not my thoughts, and I can't remember why.

I think the people who saw me when I first woke up cared about me.

There was a lot of cryin' goin' on.

I upset them, maybe.

Because they sounded familiar but I couldn't remember their faces or nothin' –

That girl held my hand –

There's a lot of pain in my body. I think it was less than when I first woke up, but it hurts like hell. Prickly fire in my chest that sparks when I breathe, limbs that don't quite do what I ask 'em to do, and –

My stomach yawns and growls like a dog.

_A dog._

I think that's important. A dog. There's somethin' wet on my face all of a sudden and I don't know why but I think that maybe there's somethin' sad about a dog.

My stomach grumbles again and I open my eyes.

There's nobody near me, but I can feel somethin', like a connection of voices through my head – quiet wise ones, chittery dumb ones, and some in between. There's a surge of feelin's so strong that my head hurts and I groan. I don't know what's goin' on and I just wanna be better and know who I love. Because I know I loved someone so much that it pierces the smoke veil and I can _feel _it, but I just wanna know who they were, 'cuz I don't think I can go on much longer without them.

And then I can hear someone comin'.

{ VIOLA }

It's been two days since Todd first woke up. He's been moving more in his sleep, little twitchy spasms in his fingers and hands. I start to wonder what he's dreaming about, what images dance under his eyelids as he sleeps. I wonder if he really doesn't remember me. His consciousness in the heart is the cloudy, raw purple of a healing bruise, and it sends an ache deep in my chest.

Ben insists that I take a walk every day after breakfast to take some time to myself the day after Todd wakes up. Word has spread to the rest of the people nearby that Todd has woken up, and there seems to be a huge release of tension in the air. It's a good feeling, but there's a dull burn in my eyes that reminds me of the tears I shed.

Today is windy and clear, not a cloud in the cyan blue sky. I'm just now making my way back to the camp when I see Ben going into Todd's tent. He sees me, smiles, and leaves the tent flap open for me.

When I go in, I'm surprised to see Todd awake. He's shifting to look at Ben, his eyebrows pulled together as he moves. He winces and looks up at Ben.

_Where am I?_

Ben sits down on my cot and I follow suit. _You're in the Pathway's End, healing center of the Land's camp, on the planet New World. _

Todd frowns. I can feel his confusion and cloudy memories in the Heart, and I sit with my knees curled up to my chin.

_How long has it been since I first woke up?_

"Two days," I whisper.

He looks at me, and I think my heart shatters in a million pieces –

Because his eyes haven't changed since I last looked into them on the beach and they're searching my face and I can feel some sort of deep-seated pain radiating from him and I want to hold him and kiss him and –

_Who are you?_

And with a shaking voice, I say, "My name is Viola Eade."


	7. Chapter 7

**_First off, I want to thank everyone who's been reading, reviewing, and following my story! It means so much to me and I really appreciate all of you. I'll try to keep uploading regularly; my goal is one chapter a week. I want to make sure these updates are really good, plus I'm pretty busy with school right now, but come May I'll have a lot more time to write! Again, thanks. (:_**

{ TODD }

I'm startin' to wake up more often and I'm able to stay away for longer. The girl, Viola, she starts bringing me food and medicine. She says it's been a week since I woke up the first time. She seems tense and nervous when she comes in, and she never meets my eyes. She's real pretty, I notice as she rubs a salve on my pink-scarred chest. Her hair falls over her shoulder and her small, delicate hands are intent on healing my skin. I sigh as the burning in my chest goes down. _Thanks, _I show to her. She presses her lips together and nods.

We've fallen into a bit of a pattern: Viola puts a hand behind my shoulders and helps me sit up so I can eat the stew and bread she's brought me. I eat in mostly silence. Then we talk for a bit until I get too tired. Ben tells me she waited for me to wake up. Viola Eade waited for me to wake up. I don't know why she would.

The memories are starting to come back a little, and I can see Old Prentisstown, where I grew up, and I can see Ben and Cillan and the farm and the sheep and Manchee and they Mayor –

Every time I think about something sad or bad there's this sorta block in my brain and I can't remember anymore. I think my body's tryna tell me "That's too painful, better not think about that." There's lots of those moments. Ben's been helping me remember what happened before I… passed out? Why am I even hurt in the first place? Ben hasn't got to that part yet and I need to know why. But I guess Viola knows.

_Viola?_

She tenses on her old cot. She doesn't sleep there anymore, for some reason she thinks it might be wrong, but I don't think I would mind her stayin' –

"Yes?"

_How did I get like this? All beat up and passed out?_

I hear her almost inaudible sigh, see the cloudy pain in her eyes even though she's not lookin' at me. Her knuckles are white as she grips the frame of the cot. I've noticed she does that a lot when we talk about my old memories. "It's a long story."

_I think I've got the time. _

I watch her swallow and can almost see the gears in her brain turnin' as she collects her thoughts. "You were shot."

I was shot?

_By who? When? Where? Why?_

Viola leans forward. I see her hands fold and unfold and notice a pink scar on her wrist, and I get the urge to reach out and touch it for some reason but I just keep eatin' the warm stew that she brought for me. "You were shot by a Spackle, the Sky. You remember the spackle, right?"

I nod, and a shot of electricity shoots through my head. There's something bad about a spackle and a knife… I wince. I think she can feel my pain because her hand twitches towards me, like she wants to touch me but holds herself back. She frowns.

"Yeah, we had a kinda… tense relationship with the spackle, for a lot of reasons. But anyway, you had just fought with Mayor Prentiss and beat him when the Sky came and he mistook you for him, and he fired his weapon."

There's so much buzzing in my brain from my body trying to protect me from the pain that I set my food down and lean forward some. My head's pounding and I think someone's groaning – and then I realize it's me and Viola's hands aren't held back anymore and she touches my shoulder –

And there's something so comforting and familiar about her hands that I think I want her to hold me –

I don't know why, but she just feels so _right _but she's making my head hurt but she's not done talkin' –

"Todd, we thought you had died. You weren't breathing or moving and you were bleeding all over…" She pauses and I think she has to catch her breath or somethin' but I can't tell 'cuz my eyes are closed and I'm just worried about listenin' through the pounding in my head – "But Ben, he heard some of your Noise, so faint, I almost didn't believe him. And you remember that Ben was healed by the spackle? Well we put you in here, and… six weeks later here we are."

When I look up, her eyes are shinin' and she's just leanin' towards me and her muscles are tremblin' just the slightest bit and I can tell, I can _feel _the bottled up intensity of how much she missed me, and it feels good to know that, even if I don't know how I feel about her.

I think she holds a lot in, this girl called Viola. I wonder what she would say if she had Noise, or if she was a part of the Land. Her hole of silence surrounds me like a blanket and I have to look at her face and her body to guess at what she's thinkin'. And by the way she sets her teeth and sticks her chin out a bit she's tryin' to shove all that emotion down into her belly and keep those tears in her eyes because I won't understand what she's cryin' about and that hurts her more'n anythin' else.

And I wonder if she's ever gonna be okay.

_What happened while I was asleep?_

She sits back and squares her shoulders. "Lots. The new settlers came and are starting to spread out. There's talk of sending a group of scouts to look for the best places to start building new towns. With the hundreds of families still orbiting this planet, they want to start landing soon."

Her frowned eyebrows say "I don't know what to do."

Her white knuckles say "I'm scared."

Her slumping shoulders say "There wasn't supposed to be so much pain."

But her eyes?

Her eyes are just sayin' "Todd."

Viola leaves soon after, takin' my empty bowl and the salve with her. The sun's up in the sky and leaf shadows shake across the roof of my tent. I'm bored and startin' to hate sittin' still all day long –

All of a sudden, I can see myself and Viola in the swamp, near Old Prentisstown

Not see, but I'm me, and she's her, and she's smaller and her hair's shorter and she's got such big eyes –

And she's just said her name for the first time –

And I can feel the rush of my heart as I think _Viola _–

And now I'm starin' back up at the canvas tent and I think I might throw up –

Can't the room stop spinnin'?

And I have this ache in my chest that comes from beyond the smoke veil –

From the Todd that knows.

Smoke veil Todd Hewitt is hurtin' because he knows things.

He's seen so much and lost many. I think maybe if he were here I would sit him down for a chat.

I think he might cry if we did. Because he's got a gash so deep on his heart that there's only one known medicine that could heal him –

But he doesn't realize it's right in front of him, but I can see it –

And I recoil at his pain –

And I wonder if it's better not to know if it hurts so much.

{ VIOLA }

Talking to Todd is always difficult. Just all the knowing and not knowing, all the doubt and pain that struggles to the surface of our interactions. And his presence in the Heart is nothing like his Noise used to be.

I wonder how long it will take to tell him the story, start to finish.

Ben's gone in to talk to Todd now. Todd seems less confused when Ben's around. I assume it's because he actually remembers Ben from his youth. The timeframe of his memory lapse confuses me: it seems that everything of the past year and a half has been compromised, but everything else is intact. Todd is merely a boy who lived in Prentisstown with two father figures. From what Ben tells me, the Land had to literally erase the suffering of recent events from his mind. The pain was the thing holding him back from us. Waking him to those memories with the little strength he had could have killed him, or worse, broken him forever. I shudder.

The sun is warm on my face as I sit on a hollow log that spans a brook. This place has become mine, hidden away so I can think. I go here as the halfway point of my daily walk. I've been watching the trees' branches undergo their transformation from bud to sprout to fledgling leaves. The grass on the banks of the water is slowly reviving with sun and the drizzling rain that's been falling every few days. Here, I'm alone with my thoughts and the earth.

Today, my thoughts are about Todd's eyes.

There's so much depth to them, such confusion. There's pain, but it's restrained in a way that I that I don't understand. From his tortured thoughts, there's got to be more to his memories than I know.

Because when I touched him…

There was a sudden harmony in his presence, like the pieces of a puzzle falling in to place, and I know he felt it. I saw the pain leave his face and the pressure of his shoulder on my hand almost broke me, because for some reason his body remembers me, trusts me, even if his memories can't.

And although I don't know how,

He still is My Todd.


	8. Chapter 8

{ TODD }

Ben and Viola are gonna take me for a walk.

After another few days of eatin' and small talk and big talk and strength comin' back in bits and pieces, I'm too restless to stay put anymore. Viola and Ben do the best they can to keep me occupied but the tent is too small when I can hear the whole world goin' on around me. I asked Ben when I can make use of myself again. He smiled and showed _Tomorrow._

So today Ben says I can walk around camp and see other people besides him and Viola and my heart is beatin' real fast because I can feel the world around me singin' with joy and spring and I can even smell the grass and the rain that fell last night and here's Ben comin' to get me now –

And there's a little jerk in my gut when Viola follows him.

She's got a happier face these days, with less shadow and more light. Her smiles come easier and for some reason I can't place she makes me smile too –

"Ready, Todd?" she asks as she pins back the canvas flap.

_Am I ever! _I show. Ben grins and reaches down to help me stand up. My legs have gotten sturdier from doin' some little exercises in the tent but I still need help to get up and my balance is a little weird but then I feel her hand on my shoulder and I'm steady as can be.

They each take one of my arms as we walk slowly out into the sun. It's blindin' at first and they let me adjust and take a big look around before walkin' again –

There are tents everywhere. People are walkin' to and fro with food and clothes and tools and all kinds of things – Ben tells me most people are movin' out of the Land's camp and back to the town, where things are startin' to get better. And even though these people seem mighty busy they stop and look at me, starin' even. Ben lifts a hand and waves them on to their work, and whispers float to my ears and I hear their thoughts in the air – mostly giddy happy surprised colors.

Viola doesn't say anything as Ben leads me around, just follows with her hand danglin' close to mine. The sunny breeze brings smells of sizzling meat and stew and pine sap and animals and –

Horses?

My brain triggers at the smell of horse hide and leather and next I know I'm bent over fighting through images that are clearin' up of a horse –

_Angharrad._

My teeth come down so hard so quick to block out the pain in my head that they catch on my tongue and I can feel blood in my mouth –

_There was a fire –_

Ben and Viola are there trying to help me up –

And soon enough the pain recedes –

And there's their worried faces, askin' in the way they look at me if I'm okay –

But I'm not –

Because things have happened –

And remembering is hard.

"Todd," Viola's sayin', "Todd, can you hear me?"

I nod. _Yeah_ I show, however faintly, and she helps me to straighten up. I know she sees what's troubling me. Almost everything around me sets my head off a'hurtin'. It'll be ages before I can get back to normal…

_You must learn how to control your pain, Todd, _Ben shows. _We need you to get better as fast as possible. _His fingers wrap around my upper arm tight, like he's tryna hold me in place. I can feel his worry in the Heart, and I feel bad about bein' such a worry to everyone.

Viola's grip slackens and her face turns a shade or two lighter. I don't know if Ben notices, but I do. _Viola?_ I show.

She shakes her head and swallows hard. "I…I…"

_Tell me, Viola. I have to know._

She closes her eyes tight. "When you were working with the Mayor, he taught you how to control your Noise, remember?" I do, vaguely. "It's just… when you were doing that, I couldn't hear your Noise anymore, and it scared me, because…" She shakes her head. "Ben's suggestion… reminded me of that."

I nod, and see Ben's shoulder's slouching out the corner of my eye.

_Either way, Todd needs to get better. _Ben's tone is defeated. I can feel his sadness in the Heart, as well as the Land's. _I can talk to the Land at the Pathway's End to discuss the pain you are feeling with the return of your memories. Perhaps if we knew why you're hurting, we can find a way to combat it._

Viola seems to accept this, and she breaths easier. I wish I could hear her, I wish I could feel her, I wish I could reach out and touch her…

With a start, I realize that even though my Presence is not totally like Noise, Viola can still feel my emotions, and she can still hear some of my thoughts, and it's too late to cover up what I thought about now, so I just feel the heat come to my ears and –

I think she might be cryin'-

_Viola?_

She stiffens and shakes her head. "I'm okay. I'm okay."

I think if I could hear her things would be so much easier.

Or maybe harder.

How did men be intimate with girls if they couldn't hear 'em?

Viola's turned away a little bit and I wish I hadn't even thought about her, but Old Todd tries to say something and I think I hear my throat rasping – but no words come out.

But I know what he was trying to say.

Old Todd was trying to say "Viola. I miss you."

And Old Todd's emotion is leaking into me, New Todd's emotions.

And I need to learn how to keep them separate.

'Cuz she's so beautiful to Old Todd –

And I think New Todd thinks she's somethin' special too –

And I can't tell who I should trust.

{ VIOLA }

It hurts. The way he looked at me. The way he feels. It all hurts, and I wish I could restore him.

Soon after the situation with him remembering Angharrad and then remembering me, Todd announced he was tired and needed to go back, although I could tell he was only saying that for Ben and I's sanity. I know he wanted to keep going; his appetite for the outside of his tent is insatiable. But I know most of all that he wants to end the pain that he feels by simply existing. His whole life has been ripped apart, then shut down, then restarted, and is now trying to be sewn back together. No wonder his brain tries to protect him from his memories: it'd almost be a paradox to remember them. Pain felt by the Todd of the past is displaced by months of slumber and numbness.

Either way, when he looked at me, with a look in his eyes I remember only existing when he looked at me, I lost it. I don't know how I didn't completely break down. There is no past Viola. There is no displaced pain on my part. Every achingly familiar movement of his body, the sound of his voice in my head, everything just hurts. I want Todd of the past back, because I know he loved me, even through his pain, and now it's just displaced love along with displaced pain and the ache that found itself in my heart when he looked at me like he used to isn't going away. And I can't stand this hurt much longer.

Later in the day, when I'm helping cut firewood, Ben finds me. I'm sweating from my work, my hands red and grimy, but he doesn't resist when I end up in his arms. Tears have been pressing against my eyes all afternoon and they dampen Ben's shoulder, if only briefly. I feel the warm pressure of his arms around my back, and I know why Todd loved Ben: he radiates security and a warm calm through chaos. I never realized it, but Ben has become as much my support system as he is Todd's. From this thought even more pain comes at the thought of my parents' bodies, surely gone now, and my tears hold bitterness that can never be resolved and my only thought is _I'm sorry._

I allow myself ten seconds of weakness before straightening up. Ben's always been able to hear my sadness although I've never had Noise, and he smiles grimly down at me. _I've talked to the Land, _he shows, then walks off a few yards to a good sitting log and I follow.

"Yes? What did they say about Todd?" I ask as I sit down.

Ben sighs. _They said Todd's going to be in pain no matter what. You and I knew that of course. _I nod in affirmation. _But they explained to me fully what the situation is: you see, they're slowly letting Todd's memories back from an abstract bank of sorts; they have a sort of vault of Todd's life that they're leaking back into his actual brain. Because they could never truly erase the original memories, only mask them, Todd must relive the pain in bits and pieces as his memories return. We've seen this in action, have we not?_

I nod again. I don't have a clue where Ben's going, but it's comforting to hear all this information, although I already knew it. "So what do they suggest?"

_The Land can keep doing this for a while. They estimate maybe a month before all of Todd's memories are in place. Or, they suggested a different treatment. _He pauses, and when I hear him again, his voice is grave. _The Land suggested that they stop the current process altogether and let his mind heal from previous memories and wait for him to grow mentally and physically stronger. They estimate it would take two weeks for this to happen naturally. Then, after that time, they could put him pack in the Pathway's End and give him back his memories in more concentrated doses. They think this would take maybe two or three days._

Ben stops, waiting for me to process the information. My mind whirls as the words sink in.

"So… when he woke up again, he'd remember everything."

_Yes._

Confusion settles. "Then why didn't they do that in the first place?"

Ben tenses and I can tell he's frustrated with me. _Because Todd was not physically strong enough to handle his memories, you know that._

I sigh. "Right. So they think that if they give him more time without remembering anything and getting back to normal, he'll be strong enough to handle everything in one dose. But… won't it still hurt?"

_Yes, it would be incredibly painful, but they believe he will be able to handle it. They are planning on telling Todd the full extent of their control over his memories very soon, and then suggesting this treatment. They think this is the quickest way to restore his memories. _Ben sees my confliction – I must be an open book to read – and continues, _I too am unsure about this. But it is ultimately Todd's choice, is it not?_

I realize it is. I saw the desperation and confusion in Todd's face as he received more of his memories today. I know that Todd has withstood so much pain in the past few days, he will be willing to try the Land's suggestion. Todd more than anything just wants to know who he is and what has happened to him, and I don't blame him for that.

"Of course it's Todd's choice. But thank you for telling me, Ben," I say, smiling as best I can.

_No problem, Viola. We'll be seeing our Todd soon, I think, _he shows, and his face relaxes into a smile far happier than mine. _I'll leave you to get back to your work now, _he says.

"Okay. I'll see you at dinner?"

He nods, and we both stand. As I go back to my station I'm aware of the stares of my fellow workers on my back. I ignore them and pick up my axe again. With every swing and jolt of pressure up my arm bones, I think Todd's name, like he did mine when he fought the Mayor, and such a powerful aching sweetness runs through my blood that I know Todd will be with me again soon.


End file.
